


But I Just Wanted Pink Haired Babies!

by DracoGinny5ever



Category: Draco Malfoy - Fandom, Draco/Ginny - Fandom, Drinny, Ginny Weasley - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Lord Voldemort - Fandom, Lucius Malfoy - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-01-10 06:44:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoGinny5ever/pseuds/DracoGinny5ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Borderline crack!fic in which Voldemort's true reasons for trying to kill Harry are finally revealed. DracoGinny, FTW!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Voldie's Ideas Make Lucius Uncomfortable

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, I'm not making a profit from this fic, etc.
> 
> AN: This is my very first fic, I was hoping to publish a really dark, emo story about Draco and Ginny's love for each other, but this idea kept nagging me at 3:00 am last night and I had to write it. Rated M for mature content and shameless stupidity. 
> 
> I also posted this fic on fanfiction.net forever ago. I got kind of sad about completing it so I decided to post it here to make myself feel better :)

One fine, crispy winter's afternoon, a very emotionally delicate Dark Lord sat on a plush, immaculate couch, playing with what appeared to be home-made Barbie dolls and making them talk in loving tones to each other. The first doll was actually a Ken doll with bleached blonde hair, little Slytherin robes, and a black skull drawn on his left forearm. The second doll, a Barbie dressed up with an elegant evening gown and hair that looked suspiciously like it was colored red with a sharpie, was in Lord Voldemort's hand, prancing around the couch and occasionally bending down to kiss the fair haired Ken doll on the cheek.

"Drakey Drakey Draco, of course I'll marry you, you sexthy slithery serpent lover," Voldemort said in a sing song voice as he moved the red headed doll around in a mildly disturbing little tango. He picked up the blonde doll called Draco and held it so its face was very close to the red head.

"Ginevra, darling, I just dieee a little every time you're not near. Do come by the manor for a spot of tea," Voldemort said in his best imitation of a stuffy English socialite's accent. "We can hold each other closely and relish in each other's company for hours."

"Absolutely, Draco. And then we can make love!" Voldemort squealed, pressing the two dolls together in a passionate embrace, imitating moaning and kissing sounds and trying to get the Draco doll to take off the Ginny doll's dress.

Voldemort was enjoying himself more than ever. As a huge Drinny fan, these play dates with his dolls were one of his favorite alone time endeavors. Unbeknownst to Voldemort, however, a tall, extremely good looking man with devilish silver eyes and Fabio-esque blonde hair had heard some of these rather odd sounds and was making his way hesitantly towards the Dark Lord. He reached the living room, opened the door, and observed the scene before him with a mixture of revulsion and horror.

"Why you naughty girl, Ginny, let's say you and me-LUCIUS! What the HELL are you doing here??" Voldemort roared, hastily stuffing his Draco/Ginny figurines under the nearest cushion.

Lucius put a hand on his forehead in annoyance and said with gritted teeth, "I _live_ here."

"Oh," said Voldemort, taking in for the first time the numerous photos of Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco all over the deep purple walls and an enormous silver MALFOY FAMILY crest hanging above the fireplace. _Funny I didn't notice that before_ , he thought.

"Right, well I'm glad you're here because there is something über important that I need to discuss with you."

"Dare I ask what that might be?" Lucius asked with trepidation

"Yes, you do dare, actually," Voldemort sneered sarcastically. "Look, there isn't an easy way to say this. I'm growing older. Your son, a fine specimen I might add, is of reproductive age. He is tall, muscular, well bred, good with a wand, he has ideal bone structure, etc. etc. Arthur Weasley's daughter, a rather attractive, pure-blood little lady that the young people are calling a 'firecrotch' nowadays, is only a year younger. I think that these two together," he motioned his hands excitedly back and forth, "would, you know, maybe be able to join forces and help me out?..."

He sighed at the blank, confused look on Lucius' face. Voldemort rolled his eyes at his subordinate's stupidity and, taking a deep breath, said, "Lucius, I need an heir."

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Yes, I want someone to help me carry on my family line."

"I…don't really think I can help you with that, my Lord."

"No, not you, you idiot, your son! Draco Malfoy is the slice of heaven I've been looking for to carry on my legacy. Ginevra Weasley would be the perfect candidate to help Draco in this, um 'assignment,'" he smiled cheekily at Lucius. "Long live the pink haired babies, you know?" Voldemort suddenly conjured a red and white party noise maker out of thin air and blew on it enthusiastically.

Comprehension suddenly dawned on Lucius, and he twisted his face in disgust; "YOU WANT MY SON TO END UP WITH THAT GINGER-HEADED HUSSIE?!"

Voldemort narrowed his eyes and sent Lucius a deathstare. "Lucius, I swear to God if you cockblock Draco, I will have your nuts on a silver platter."

"My Lord…"

Voldemort held up a hand to silence him, pointing a finger at Lucius' nether region. "Your nuts. My platter. You will not be warned again. Anyhoo!" he continued, "the only thing that stands in the way of this beautiful union is…is…" He felt a lump growing in his throat and wanted to throw up a little bit as he said the name.

"Harry Potter."

With the subject changed from the awkward matter of Draco's love life to the task at hand of killing Harry Potter, Lucius' demeanor lightened considerably. "Ah yes, the _boy who lived_ ," Lucius drawled with a sneer. "I suppose he is one of the few obstacles remaining between us and our vision of a healthy, exclusively pure-blood society."

Voldemort rolled his eyes and nodded his head half-heartedly in agreement. In all honesty, Voldemort didn't completely detest muggles. True, his father was kind of an ass hole and that had caused him some issues that he'd talked about in therapy, but other than that, he was just cool as a grapefruit with the lot of them. He _was_ cool, that is, until he realized how important blood purity was to the Malfoys. If they didn't like muggles, then, damn it, he wouldn't either. He HAD to gain the Malfoys' respect so that he'd be able to play matchmaker with their one and only son.  If that meant causing the deaths of countless, innocent people in the process, so be it.

Eyes slightly glossy from the cozy thought of world domination, Lucius looked over to Voldemort and whispered quietly, "I do hope you remember the contents of the Hidden prophecy, my Lord?"

Voldemort shuddered. "Yess," he hissed, growing rigid and sour at the thought of the one prophecy they _had_ successfully secured from the Ministry's clutches. He remembered its words well.

_The one with the power to destroy Drinny's love approaches_

_Born to those who are of_

_The original Harry-Ginny-Draco Triangle_

_Formerly known as James-Lily-Snape_

_And the Dark Lord will pop a curse in his head_

_So he will die instead of dating a girl whose hair is red_

_And one ship must sink so the other may sail_

_For Ginny can't be with two men at a time_

_The one with the power to sink Drinny's ship_

_Will be born at the end of July_

Voldemort had tried his damndest to snuff out that little baby the second Snape (another avid Draco/Ginny shipper) had revealed to him the last lines of that dreaded prophecy. But, without fail, Harry James Potter had been able to wiggle his way out of Voldemort's clutches every. single. time. This year, however, was different. This year, he HAD to make Drinny happen. He was tired of just playing with his Barbies any time he thought he was completely alone.  He wanted to be able to actually see, actually _smell_ Draco and Ginny being together. The time had come……

"Lucius," he said sadistically.  "Bring the Potter boy to the Manor. I will NOT have the prophecy fulfilled, or else I think I'll just turn myself into a baby at the end of the Seventh book so I can cry myself to sleep in a train station for the rest of eternity."

Lucius bowed in obedience. "It will be done, My Lord."

And with that, he turned on his heel and left the room, leaving Voldemort alone with his Barbies and his fanfiction to tide him over until he could rectify the lack of Draco and Ginny in canon, once and for all.


	2. An Awkward Meeting

Just as Voldemort was about to pitch a hissy fit for being left alone too long, he was struck with a moste brilliante idea. He smiled to himself in satisfaction, eager to let Lucius know his idea so that he could get a pat on the back for his genius. "Oh Luciusss! LUCY! I need you to come here for a wee moment, for I have something rather important to discuss with you!" He called in a sing-song voice to Lucius, who reappeared looking severely pissed off several moments later.

Lucius' grey eyes were narrowed in fury. "Never…  _never_ ….  _ever…._ call me  _'Lucy'_  again," Lucius hissed, trying his best not to look too agitated, though the bright red tint of his face and the way his eyes bulged out with rage gave him away just a little bit. "Now, what in GOD's name do you need to tell me?"

Voldemort grinned. "I have the perfect way to bring the Potter boy here."

"Excellent, my Lord," Lucius said with the content, slightly dazed look he always got when he thought about murdering Harry. "Shall I summon the other Death Eaters?"

"No, that won't be necessary," Voldemort replied giddily. "I prefer we use a much subtler method, a much more fool-proof way to bring the Potter boy here that won't risk the bodily harm of one of our number." Lucius nodded his head in agreement. "I suggest," Voldemort continued, "that we send the Potter boy a type of bait, a letter, perhaps, to make him believe his presence is, for whatever reason, desperately needed here," Voldemort watched Lucius excitedly for his reaction, hoping he loved the plan as much as Voldemort did.

Much to Voldemort's disappointment, however, Lucius didn't seem entirely smitten with his plan. "Erm…" Lucius tried to articulate his objections in such a way that Voldemort wouldn't get offended and  _Avada Kedavra_  him on the spot.

"Yes?" Voldemort whispered impatiently.

Lucius hesitated. "It's just that, well, I don't think Potter can be lured from the safety of the Order so easily. Don't you think a letter would be a bit rash?"

Voldemort pursed his lips together. This was not the answer he wanted to hear at all and, he wasn't going to lie, his feelings were a little hurt. "Lucius, I've been stalking this kid for like 17 years now, I  _*think*_ I know what I'm doing," he said angrily. "Besides, it's not like  _you_  have a better plan, anyways!"

"Actually, my Lord, I was thinking we could maybe-"

"NO! NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE A BETTER PLAN THAN I DO!" Voldemort jumped up and down on the couch like a spoiled little girl and dug in his robes for his wand. He saw the panicked look on Lucius' face and calmed down a little bit. "I suppose I set myself up for that one, didn't I?" He asked in a tone he supposed sounded like a caring uncle or a fatherly grandfather. "All I meant was that I like calligraphy, stationary, and penmanship, so I think a letter would be a really excellent way to bring Harry to us," he smiled and fixed Lucius with the best puppy dog eyes he had.

"Very well, my Lord," Lucius said meekly, not quite sure whether to be terrified or amused at the Dark Lord's complete lack of sanity. "My wife has some stationary you are more than welcome to use," Lucius left and returned quickly with a roll of parchment held triumphantly in his left hand. He approached Voldemort and placed the parchment on the table in front of him, hoping beyond hope that the paper and quills were to the Dark Lord's liking.

"Sterling, Lucius, just sterling," Voldemort said, rolling out Narcissa's stationary so that he could begin writing the ransom note. "This should be easier than taking candy from a baby," he assured a reluctant Lucius, and the two men sat together to begin their well thought out ransom note.

Seventeen Red Bulls and four hours later, the ransom note was finally complete. Voldemort looked in awe at the fear-inducing handwriting, the harsh words, and the pleasantly floral scent that covered the hot pink parchment that they had written on. The note read:

_Dear Harry,_

_I have taken your best friend and cousin Dustin Durlsey hostage and am keeping him here in this undisclosed location ::coughmalfoymanorcough:: for the day. I plan on returning him safely home before we eat at approximately 6:00pm, so there is really no need for you to come find me…._ _BUT IF YOU WANT TO, I am here. Alone and extremely vulnerable._ _Best Wishes,_

_L. Voldemort_

Voldemort grinned brightly. He grabbed an albino peacock out of Lucius' coat closet, fitted the phony letter on the poor bird's silver-sequined mail carrier, and tossed it roughly out of the window, yelling Harry's address as it flew away.

"Potter won't dare risk losing another one of his precious relatives to my schemes," he whispered. "This is the perfect trap."

Lucius looked doubtful. "Surely not, my Lord. No one is stupid enough to fall for that…"

Approximately 2.8 minutes later, however, an angsty knock on the front door rang loud and strong across the Manor. Voldemort turned his head and saw through the window the outline of a scrawny, black haired emo kid standing on Lucius' front porch. "See?" he said triumphantly as Lucius went to answer the door. He was both excited and scared to see the man who had somehow managed to beat Draco in seducing Ginny.

Harry Potter entered Lucius' living room. His untidy black hair had grown a few inches over the summer, his jeans were torn at the knees, his trainers were white but had some mud on them and, well, you get the idea.

Harry stood, wand at the ready, and narrowed his eyes the moment they made contact with Voldemort's.

"YOU!" he roared, opening his mouth to hex Voldemort with whatever curse he could think of. He was, however, quickly shut down by the bigger, longer, and much more skillful hand of Lord Voldemort.

"Harry FUCKING Potter" Voldemort spat. "How is it that you, a skinny boy with no extraordinary talent, managed to bang the most sought after witch of all time? How did  _you_  manage to serenade Ginny Weasley, leaving Draco Malfoy to cry himself to sleep every night?"

"Wow, Chamber of Secrets much?" Harry sneered

"Shut up. What I mean is that you have no right, no right at all to be with Ginny in canon, yet somehow, inexplicably, you are." Voldemort said, trying his best to hold back the tears. "It just really doesn't make sense to me, Potter, and because of that, you need to be killed."

Harry's eyes widened in horror. "WAIT! Wait, I think you've got the wrong idea here," he yelped. "I mean, clearly Ginny and I are meant to be together-NO!" Harry roared as he saw Voldemort start to mouth the words ' _Avada Kedavra_ ' with his wand pointed directly at Harry's throat. "No! Just hear me out!" Harry pleaded desperately.

Voldemort lowered his wand. "Potter, I've been arguing with Harry/Ginny fans for far too long. I will give you 15 seconds, no, make that 12 seconds to tell me why you should be with her."

Harry sighed. "Ginny and I were made for each other! She's like a little sister to me, and everything about her strongly resembles my dead mother."

Voldemort blinked. "Erm…you really aren't helping yourself out much here, you know that right?"

"Umm, well, ummm," Harry said anxiously, hoping against hope that a well-timed interruption might happen and give him a few more minutes to live.

As if to answer Harry's prayers, a stunning Draco Malfoy suddenly opened the door, the song 'Final Countdown' by Europe playing triumphantly as Draco waltzed into the living room. Voldemort, Lucius, and even Harry were all quite taken aback by Draco's undeniable beauty. His silvery blonde hair was tousled to the side, flowing as if moved by a constant breeze. His grey blue eyes were wide in surprise, but very prettily so, as he observed Voldemort, Harry, and his father in the scene before him. His body, hard and sculpted from years of playing Quidditch, resembled the relaxed stance one might find in a Michelangelo sculpture, and his unbelievably handsome face had that classic Malfoy smirk on it as he noticed Harry, pleading for his life in front of Voldemort.

"Alright, Scarhead?" He drawled, laughing as Harry got all whiny and emo the way he always did when Draco insulted him.

"Shut it, Malfoy. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Harry squealed as Malfoy picked up a large rock and looked as if he were about to throw at Harry's face.

"You were saying, Potter?" He sneered.

Harry growled in frustration and pointed his wand at Draco, but was thwarted as Draco threw his large rock with an athlete's precision at Harry's wand, breaking it cleanly in half.

Harry snarled viciously and lunged himself at Draco, completely disregarding the fact that Draco was taller, blonder, and much better looking than he was, and therefore clearly more likely to be the victor of any altercation between them. Draco threw down his wand and eagerly met Harry in the challenge.

"Get off of my son, you filthy half-blood!" Lucius roared, beating Harry with his pimp cane to try and help his son.

Voldemort opened his mouth in surprise and turned, enraged, to face Lucius. "Whoa, Time out! Time the FUCK out, Lucius! I am sooo not cool with you and the other death eaters using the word ' _half-blood.'_  I mean, come on!" He pointed wildly at himself, "am I invisible to you people?"

"Forgive me, my Lord. It will not happen again," Lucius apologized profusely

"You bet your sweet lilywhite ass it won't," Voldemort snarled, turning back to watch the fight.

Just before Draco was about to soundly kick Harry's ass in their little skirmish, Harry suddenly remembered the reason he came to the Manor in the first place. "By the way," he said, pulling himself away from his fight with Draco, "what happened to my cousin?"

Voldemort looked confused. "Dustin?"

"No, Dudley."

"Oh, I don't know. I never actually kidnapped him. I just said I had him here so that you'd come rushing over to fight me. I knew you'd fall for it."

"Wow, I think you've stooped to a new low," Harry said. "This is just like that time I lost Sirius except somehow more humiliating."

"Isn't it, though?" Smiled Voldemort, recalling said event fondly.

At that moment, Draco went to stand by Harry, Voldemort, and his father. He looked slightly nervous, like he had to tell them all something very very random. This time the song 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt began playing as Draco opened his mouth to speak.

"People, I have an announcement I need to make. Ginny Weasley and I are getting married!"

 

 


End file.
